"Prepare to die Mister Antfarm." the thug with the heater on me said.
Well, this is how it ends for me. I suppose I should begin at the start. Unless you are cool here? You are? Well, just read it damnit. It's just as painful to write this horrible shit as it is to read it. Why do I have to be one of the few who know they suck?
My name is Antfarm, Adric Antfarm. I am a private dick. For a fee, I will solve the mysteries the police will not. I will get you the answers you need. I help people. Like this kind and decent lady who walked in my office.
From the way she handled herself, I could tell she was a classy woman, but was she being straight with me?
"I want you to find my husband."
"Don't play me for a pasty sister, no man would leave a woman like you. Do I look that dim? My sign says Private Investigator, not Sap."
"Actually, it says something else."
"Well, look sister. The cat downstairs has a weird sense of humor and I can assure you that allegation is not true."
"I don't care."
"Well, let me tell you something about that cat. You know those Christmas tree icicles?"
"Mister Antfarm, I do not care."
"Well let me tell you about them and this cat. One year she ate one and was walking around with it hanging out of her ass like another tail."
"I really did not need to hear that."
"Let's discuss my fee. I get $100 a day, plus expenses. That is not negotiable."
"I will give you a Subway club card with 11 stamps, a Blockbuster free rental coupon, and a bus pass."
"You have a deal."
So yeah now you are caught up. What? Oh hell no, I have no idea where her husband is. Could be dead for all I know. I really got kind of busy eating at Subway and watching "Neverending Story" I rented from Blockbuster.
Huh? Oh… my impending murder. Right.
"What did I tell you, Adric?"
"Never to tell the Christmas tree icicle story."
"And what did your dumbass do?"
"The dame lies."
"Any last words?"
"Let the boy live. He is not part of this." I begged.
"Of course." She agreed but I held him down. What a disloyal little bastard. I was just offering to look cool.
"Would it help if I begged?"
"No."
"I will do it anyway."
"Please have some dignity."
"Hey, do you need a bus pass?"
"So yeah sister, I could not find your husband, but I will be here for you. I also need to tell you I made that story up. I did."
"What about the pictures of the cat with that thing hanging out of her ass?"
"Please let it go. Please. Oh, I need some more bus passes"
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I wonder if anyone knows how much creativity goes into taking these photos? But I was disappointed not to see the tinsel picture of Eggy's butt…
I think people know that it takes a six pack and five minutes to put this on the net.
The vast majority of my “work” is either lifted from others and thinly disguised or in rare cases based on my life.
In this case, my cat did indeed walk by one day with a silver string hanging out of her ass that neither of us enjoyed removing.
Eggy is normally a good sport, but was not up for this photo.