Klytus, I'm bored. What play thing can you offer me today?
An obscure body in the S-K System, your majesty. The inhabitants refer to it as the planet Earth.
One moment I was headed to Eskimo Joe's for a dinner with the boys after a big game where we spanked the hell out of Mississippi, the next I was in some weird universe, prisoner of some evil dictator.
"Who is in charge here?" I demanded.
"Mingy" the underlings (they looked like underlings to me – I am good at picking that shit out) said.
"Mingy is a bad kitty!" I screamed.
"Who said that!" the evil one demanded.
"Adric Gordon, Oklahoma State Cowboys!"
"Who?"
"I mean Flash Adric. I was going to go with Gordon, but I already took the pictures and I am pretty locked in now I guess unless I want to make another shirt and do more pictures."
"I wouldn't"
"Yeah, let's roll with this, Eggy."
"Wait,. where are your pants?"
"It was a flash joke."
"Wow. Drunk much?"
"I know, just roll with it. We are too far in to do anything else. Oh, and it was a ton more than booze involved."
"It's really not a problem, Adric. You are not here. This is a drug and alcohol fueled dream"
"Not again? Really? I'm not here?"
"Nope, you may wake up after a few hours in the cell."
Hours later it became clear this was some evil plot as I was dragged before a kangaroo court.
"Your honor, I would like to show you on this doll where the piggy cop touched Teddy and explain how he planted all that really good shit and kick-ass gun on my person. Did I mention I was a veteran?"
It's worked a few times and I guess that was a few too many. The judge said Teddy was clearly without proper supervisor with an unfit father using him to get out of criminal charges and the bailiff was ordered to take him into protective custody. It was not a huge blow for me until the boy yelled "daddy!" and it hit me hard. I was sure it would only hurt to lose his money, but his aid in getting out of charges would be missed as well.
"Your honor, may I approach?"
"If you do the bailiff will shoot you. Are you prepared to plead guilty and take your punishment at long last? We can even discuss treatment for your addictions."
This was too much. He was indeed an evil Mingy and only one thing could defeat him. As if by magic, she was there.
"Your honor, Eggy Antfarm, kitty lawyer for the defendant" she said strolling in like she owned the place. The judge opened his mouth but she shushed him as she put a stack of papers in front of me to sign allowing her to collect fees for everything from defending me to thinking about defending me.
"Now that my compensation is resolved, we may proceed. Your honor, I think this has all been a big misunderstanding we can work out" she said affixing her seal to each document (yes – she has been a notary for years).
"Good try" the judge began. "I know your game cat. You got Mr. Antfarm out of the last charge by blackmailing a fellow judge with some sordid charge."
"You mean the pictures of him in a dress tossing a rent boy's salad in a shady motel?"
"I am not going to dignify that with an answer since I am sure there were no appetizers involved, but let me tell you something cat. I am a family man who loves his family. I have no skeletons in my closet"
"Oh, I know your honor. Like that wonderful dog your kids love. Did you know some Asian cultures eat dogs?"
"YOU WOULD NOT! Did you kidnap my dog? I will have you in chains!" the judge screamed.
"Oh hell no. It rained today and that damn thing had a wet dog smell I would not mess my car up with."
"Oh, I stand corrected. It was just that you said that thing about Asian food."
"Well duh. I have your kids at an all you eat Asian buffet and they will stay there until they are so fat your friends will remark what little piggies they are. There goes Judge Piggy's kids."
"You are one evil cat."
"You know it."
"Case dismissed."
I was overjoyed even as I was sure this cost most than those breast implants I got for Tammy, but well worth it as they put Teddy back on my shoulder.
"Hey boy."
"I love you Daddy."
"I um. Let's go get my drugs and gun back."
"You got it Daddy."
