Having been the parent of a limbless shoulder child for a week now, I find I learn something new each day.
First, a boy needs his dad, not a cat. I have no problem with Teddy and Eggy hanging out, but I will do the passing on of wisdom (and get the thanks when he wins that Oscar). This became really clear when I caught the lad trying bath with his tongue. As first I was sure it was that thing all boys try once and started to hate him for being more limber than myself, but his lack of attention to the important parts ruled that out. I had to counsel the boy.
I've learned the best way to parent is in three steps. Step one: Confront. Step two: Explain. Step three: Teach. Like this.
"What the hell are you doing?" (step one)
"That is the stupidest shit I've ever seen and I've read Not Possible in Real Life" (step two)
"We are going on a vision quest my child. To show you the ways of the world." (step three).
Second, I've learned the most annoying thing about being a parent is not the pathetic way they depend on you for everything, it is questions. Always with the stupid questions.
"No, we are not meeting in a parking lot at 5:00 AM to avoid Eggy. I can leave whenever I want. No we did not sneak out. I just like to low crawl from my bedroom to the car. No, I am not popular because of Eggy. I am not popular at all, but if I were it would be for my own adventures. No, I did not almost die on our last trip. That ER doctor was a quack. He said IF you did not turn my head to the size I would of choked on my own vomit. No, I am not taking any illegal drugs on this trip. Where the hell is your doll supposed to go? I need all this equipment. It is vital."
The boy was not listening. Just like that lady at the car rental place. She said she had a lovely hybrid for me. I took one look at that thing and asked to see her manager. He came out and I smacked him. You child killer! I yelled at him. Are you a parent? Do you want my child in a car that kills him if I happen to pass out while driving and go into the other lane? You sick bastard! You would want your kid to be in the car that crushed all the others. I heard the sirens and decided I was getting nowhere with these heartless child abusers. I went out to storage to get the old girl out. She looked better than ever.
After all this effort, the boy was not as excited as I felt he would be. He accused me of having a bad map and suggested Eggy would have a better one. Eggy was so smart. Blah Blah Blah.
"For the last time, this is not the map from GTA: San Andreas and did Eggy tell you cats steal people's breath when they sleep and associate with witches?"
The boy looked doubtful. Only one thing to do. When my father wanted to show me what was true he took me to the source he knew would validate his facts. That scary trailer park on the west side where the carnival workers lived.
One hour later the boy knew about cats, that my substance issues were really very minor compared to other people, some people have a lot of "You Might be a Redneck" stuff hanging up in their trailer, and the south would rise again. Most importantly, he had a new appreciation for how classy I was and how many teeth I had. Hell, it only cost me $50. They wanted to toss in a quarter paper of crystal meth for $25 more, but it looked like they used Drano in their recipe and that was sure to be an irritated nose.
"You ready to go now lad?"
"Can we do the water park drive with the top down?"
"Sure, and piggy too."
I don't know what it is about this, but he really loves it. It was by accident we found this joy as I recall. I was so out of it that night I was positive I had pulled into the drive-thru window and was yelling for them to take my order when I noticed he was laughing and having a wonderful time. When I went in and got into the physical altercation with the manager about my burger order he noticed the piggy. I think he saved that man's life begging for the ride. I would of gotten my burger out of that bastard no matter his lies. I know he had burgers. I could sense it.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
This sounds like the basis for a great TV show – I'd watch it for sure! LOL
That is what my agent told ABC the other day in a meeting. This shit could easily be the next Cosby show. They started out wanting to tone down my character with less substances and I was like; you cannot make me less me any more than you can make Ryan Seacreast less a douche on his show.
I think we could of negotiated a way around that (we could of all sat in a circle like The 70s Show and instead of smoke we would snort when the camera turned) but when they suggested Tim Allen play me I told them there would be no deal.
I am working with Seth McFarland on an animated thing now anyway.
I'm with Amalia…. I wanna see the TV show.
And I want to know where one can get a limbless shoulder child?!
Teddy came to me looking for employment as I recall and after some misunderstanding regarding the use of his father’s credit card was convinced to accuse his dad of abuse so that he could get a settlement I would administer for his benefit.