A wise RPG (Role Playing Geek Game) guy once said something very insightful to me.
"Adric, a role player takes on many roles but can never have the luxury of taking on the role of a human with feelings for that is our curse. Now do you want this weed or not? Twenty bucks. I have to go. The Logan's Run RPG is interviewing sandmen."
At the time I was sure he was explaining his virginity would be sticking around as he became an old man, but as time went on (and I got stoned) I realized what a wise young man (even if he did sell me stem crap) he was.
He was part of a group we want you to know more about. Why? Because they are people like you and me. People pretending to be other people, but people nonetheless.
We will not be covering the larger groups like Trek and other established RPGs since you likely already know of them (and they annoy me).
Everywhere You Look
One of the many challenges in doing this piece was the subjects often avoid talking freely because they fear small minded people judging them. It was my job to promise them I would never allow that.
"Hello?"
"Adric! What the hell is going on? I said to give me a few days and I would think about letting you attend our group meeting. I did not say you could start following me around with a camera!"
"I am not- What does this person look like?"
"I can't see that well. Little black dude in a golf cart."
"Oh, that is just my producer getting some background shots."
"Does she have to follow me in a golf cart?"
"Oh yes. She wanted me to hire a crew of six assistants to carry things otherwise."
"I am going to go give them a piece of my mind."
"Okay. Stop. I am sure you are very quick witted with you BFFs, but if you go over there and get up in her face, you are going to regret it for the rest of your life even after you can walk without a noticeable limp. Do you see that camera stand?"
"Yes."
"Imagine being on the ground, begging, crying, pleading, while someone continues to smash it into your head over and over."
"I'm scared. What should I do?"
"Do not run. She knows you see her and will go into predator mode. I am sure you can outrun the golf cart, but not forever and she has nothing better to do than chase you. Do not make eye contact while you do it, but wave and smile If you sense movement or more likely a golf cart coming towards you, do not run. Curl up in a little ball on the ground protecting your head and vital organs."
"Okay. I waved. She flipped me off."
"That means she likes you a little or at least hates you too little to attack. You are safe. Now, are we on for the Tuesday meeting?"
"Adric, I don't want my group to be abused or ridiculed."
"No one wants that. I can tell you no one wants to see anyone suffer that pain less than me. "
"Well, people did say things about your blog."
"They lie."
"I also read it."
"I could have my producer come over and put your mind at ease."
"See you Tuesday Adric!"
From 1987 to 1995, the people of the world saw life through the eyes of the Tanner family and were better for it. When 1995 came and it was taken from us long before it's time like a candle in the wind being pissed on by coked up ABC executives who perhaps called in the Olson twins and personally fired them. Like those crying little girls offering to do anything to stay employed, we were not sure if we could go on either. Seeing life with our eyes was shit in comparison. What reason did we have to live?
The loss of this show punched an iceberg sized hole in the TGIF lineup leaving the other shows on a Titanic going under, leaving the dead frozen bodies of Boy Meets World. Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and countless others floating.
The Council for Canceled Show Victims told us that while a complete total can never be agreed on, it is possible no less than 421 million people took their life rather than go on without Full House. Can you really blame them? Once you've known the sweet nectar that is Bob Saget's masterful performance is anything less ever enough? Will the pain ever go away?
This generation of tragedy may have been forgotten as people threw themselves in the paths of oncoming trucks without leaving a detailed note clarifying it was all Full House and had nothing to do with being 43 and single as the police assumed if not for a small band of fans who found comfort in each other. Comfort and a new start.
Four times a week, the group meets to breathe a little more air in Full House. Each time it looks a bit less like a corpse and more like a corpse with slobber on it. The first night is a discussion of the show, episode screening, and coaching each other on the roles. The second is a live performance of an original script and the last is two open RPG nights with the Full House character of your choice.
As I arrived on a scripted performance night I was in for a treat. Oh little did I know! They honored and humbled me as their guest with the offer to perform with their esteemed group.
At first they were unsure if a newcomer could not only step into a role so quickly, but the role of the pivotal character; Michelle Elizabeth Tanner. A role so complex it was shared by the two gifted actresses Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson. Could one man do it? I assured them I would sure as hell give it all I had. I would never tarnish this show with anything less than my best.
24 minutes later and the group stood for 82 minutes applauding, crying, throwing roses, pink underwear, bras, and what appears to be a jock strap on stage. I thanked them, but said it was they who should be applauded.
Thanks for keeping the Full House flame burning. May it burn forever.
Excuse me? Yeah, think again freak show. Like I'm going to drop four nights of drinking and come down to hang with you closet pedos who can't let an old show go. I mean, that is a very kind offer but those are the nights I tutor homeless kids in math
As a note, I did promise to not show the members in this piece and I honor my word. I cannot however control outside companies. Eggy Video Enterprises has nothing to do with me.
Cruel to be Kind
This next group was a challenge. While I am against censorship, I have to balance that with good taste and legal concerns. For example, we would never plaster Rosie O'Donnell's face all over the site. I don't want to end up in Guantanamo Bay and blamed for monitors coated in Red Bull and Gummy Bear vomit (my readers live off that shit).
In this situation we had many discussions with the RPG head and it was agreed he would explain all aspects of the group, but for the above reasons and our schedule not permitting a 42 page posting to list everything, you will not see some of it.
Not sure where to begin, we asked him to just start at the moment when he got the idea for the RPG.
"Megan and I were watching Strictly Come Dancing and-"
"You were watching what?"
"Oh yes, the rudeness and accent should of been the giveaway, but having read that sophomoric blog of yours I already knew you were from that sad place."
"You talk funny."
"Of course I do. Anyway, it goes by Dancing with the Stars in America."
"How hard was that?"
"Adric, I don't know you at all really and already have more hate for you than anyone I know."
"I get that a lot. Please pick up the pace. We move much faster in America,"
"Sorry, you do indeed. Americans can dig holes, get in them, and somehow bury themselves faster than most any people,"
"And damn proud we are but get on with the story before I put a boot in your ass."
"Well, she asked me what I wanted to do and I told her."
"You idiot! You never verbalize the butt sex or third woman thing! You drop hints and her get to think she wants it."
"It would seem my desires are less juvenile than yours. I told her I wanted to take out the garbage and while doing so be grabbed and forced into a van."
"I like it. Have your friend get a van and some beer, Way to leave the bitch and avoid paying support. You might get ransom if you make it look real. Maybe a stab wound for a couple grand, but if you think the folks have money send them a finger, but make sure it's a lot of money before you go chopping."
"A bag is over my head so I have no idea who they are or where are going. When we arrive they take my clothes and force me to wear this leather harness with studs."
"Dude, you just took exit 42 at Gay Town. Not a problem, I just didn't see it coming. I should have, but I did not."
"They throw me in a cage with a gorilla that first beats and then has his way with me."
"You know, I did not see that coming either."
"Next they throw me in the middle of the compound and them-"
"We have a picture of this. Right?"
"Here."
"I uh. I got nothing here. Best just go on."
"At three is an expert marksman who will shoot me in my legs and arms."
"What about the ambulance?"
"If I am unable to continue, they may render aid, but only such that allows me to continue."
"This shit is funny. I bet if you are not suffering enough they help you with that as well!"
"Correct."
"I was kidding."
"Perhaps, but should the marksmen not get good shots in, an automated weapons unit at four will be activated to riddle me with bullets."
"That is a wild trip. Cannot believe you told her that and are not in custody as a result"
"Oh, that is just the start."
"Fuck."
"Next up they dip me and roll me in coating followed by deep frying me."
"Of course they do. I would have been shocked had they done anything but that. About done?"
"Yes. The final step is a maze of my own design with every path guaranteed to cut you open and slice deep – bone and all!"
"Wow. Tell me, what did the wife say and do when told this?"
"At first nothing, but I know that was the day before she began having sex with her students."
"A teacher, it just gets better and better."
"Not really. She left me for one of them. A young man who did a book report on a Wrinkle in Time she says spoke to her heart."
"Got to go man Thanks for showing us the RPG."
"Much too soon my tasty bitter yank snack. You must stay and partake in the glorious agony and suffering. You need to know the way of blood. You are a sad little man who needs to learn. My new Megan"
"I strongly advise you put 10 feet between us before you get hurt. Talking to your nutty ass has been all the suffering I need to do."
"I love pain."
"Eggy! School him on the concept of pain."
Blood curdling screams, begging, cat laugher, ATM card and pin being handed over
Something New
Eggy will not be able to join us on this last stop due to a family emergency (spending spree) but offered Todd's number and gave me his price list if I needed help. I declined.
Walking into Second Life inside Second Life, the lack of obsessive freaks and psychopaths was refreshing. This could be an RPG full of normal people!
I asked the director of the group to tell me about them.
"Well as you know Adric, we all love to be in Second Life. We are sad when we are not."
"Maybe sad is a little strong a word for how I feel when not in world."
"Then you are not a fan. You only call yourself one."
"Good way to start off attacking me there, but you don't want to talk old shows or cut me open, so I will move on"
"Back to Second Life!"
"Okay. Normally my cat would have claws deep in your ass right now, but as I find myself without, you may continue."
"Well, we all love Second Life and we REAL FANS are sad when we cannot be in Second Life. Normally we can stay level if we just remain there."
"And never bath or have sex…."
"BACK TO SECOND LIFE!! I was about to say, what happens if you feel the desire for Second Life but you are already in Second Life?"
"You seek professional help."
"No! You come here and do Second Life in Second – YOUNG MAN!! What are you doing? You do not run that blue interloper world in here! I don't care who your friends are! Out! Out with you and take this false fan with you!"
Wow, we are out of time.
I apologize to the RPGs we did not get to include such as White String Lines which runs the only RPG vampire group that forbids biting of any kind. They are only allowed to feed on blood collected via another method. This RPG is only open once a month by the way.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
being withing a RPG requires the dedication I simply do not own at this time, which is a shame, because my husband seems to like Mafia Wars for some odd reason. But can't understand SL? haha!! Best wishes and RP summer for yourself
Forbidding biting? Now that, I like.
Bloodlines spampires piss me off almost as much as gangstas do. Almost. Or maybe slightly more. I don't know. It's a tough call.
But I'm curious… what other sources of blood could there be?! Do they go around massacring pixels with machetes?
I also was curious and asked.
They told me it was a monthly source and I was like, ok, but what?
They are…. you know – monthly and I am like, yeah?
They threw me out then.