Getting to Know Them

A lot of our readers did not get to celebrate Thanksgiving since their culture has not advanced that far, so we would like to share their ways with you.

First up is Great Britain.

What is this odd place?

Saying England is a little silly since the realm is composed of England, Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland.    While slightly smaller than the state of Oregon, the distinct cultures and even languages are far more noticeable than going from New York to California.

Do they know its Christmas time at all?

Yes and no.  They have been said to wear paper hats for some ritual we do not fully understand but we suspect it's connected to a day that may seem brutal to you, but is an important part of their culture.

As you know, the UK is an island nation and they are so packed in that people do from time to time get pushed into the ocean by accident.  To avoid this they established a rite of passage where they get rid of the dead-weight and signify that a boy has become a man.   This is called Boxing Day.  

On Boxing Day, the young male child beats the older members of the family senseless unless they agree to step into the ocean of their own accord making more room for all.

Who do they look up to?

A few names you have never heard in the states are Kylie Minogue and Robbie Williams.   

The first is a singer or something and rather shitty Doctor Who guest star they are said to worship.   The later was in a boy band and is now like a god to them.   Pretty major asshole from what I understand, but can get you in with the brit girls.   Simply popping Angels in is said to make them drip buckets.  

Do they have King Albert in a can?

The Queen is nearly a total ceremonial head of state and by some accounts you care about the royal family more than they do.    Which brings up the question of why they don't toss her out on the streets.

Oliver Cromwell did give it a shot, but bitching about a king with too much power only to chop his head off, sack parliament, and become a total king-like dick is a counterproductive way to make your point.  Thank God his son was a total pussy and invited the king's son back who agreed to forgive and forget.  Of course he did nothing of the sort not only killing the shit out of those who turned on his dad, but digging up old  Oliver and doing a number on his remains.   Since then it's been a less popular idea.

Do they like me?

Not as much as you think.  Years of bad teeth jokes, Hugh Grant constantly having to explain he is English, not gay, and assuming they have nothing better to do than play war with us has caused some minor strains in our special relationship.    In other words, they aren't nearly as willing to be our little bitch as we had figured.

A face you see a lot on brit TV as the go to guy for the fat rude stupid American is good old Mac MacDonald.   You may know him from Red Dwarf but he makes a good living now on shows like My Family as the type of American we tried to pretend we are all not. 

Do they come from the hood?

This is a very sticky topic and hard to track down since you never hear anyone say "Man, that was a great brit porn film", but they do exist and upon review I can confirm they have extra skin on their winky.

Be it genetic or cultural, no one is sure.

What do they do?

Drink mostly.   Given the preference of Cybermen, Daleks, and most any other alien race is to attack there and only there, they are a very jumpy people who need beer. 

No,  not that beer.   Their beer is less piss like in color and thickness I am told.

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