“Adric?”
“Yes, Eggy?”
“I am bored.”
“Oh no..”
“Do you know what would be fun?”
“Yes. You want me to perform Cat in the Hat in full costume destroying my belongings and home. Again.”
“No. I don’t really enjoy that at all. You are worse than Jim Carrey.”
“Then why do you always make me do it?”
“The humiliation and property damage seem to bring me joy.”
“I can see that.”
“What I really want to do is get to the bottom of this Xstreet thing. I want to know what Linden is hiding from Eggy.”
“I don’t think they will just tell us.”
“That is why we need to gain access to Area 97.”
“That place is myth.”
“That place is where things Linden wants to hide go to be hidden.”
“And you know this how?”
“Cats have intelligence networks second to none.”
“No, really.”
“Saw it on Plurk.”
“Wow. How does one get to this place you think exists?”
“Two ways. One is from Linden Offices. Take BART to the airport, then to Las Vegas where a 707 leaves daily to the secure facility in the desert. This way requires too many ID checks and we will never make it.”
“Oh. So there is another?”
“Of course there is. Go to a store in Bam that sells “Business in a Box”. Look for a huge sign proclaiming full perm items and all you need to be a rich resident. Click on buy and a box will flash up saying “Do you really want to buy this shit?”. Click yes, and you are teleported there with only one small checkpoint to get past.”
"Have a wonderful time" I said quickly getting up to go hide under my bed. “See you later”
“Get your bitch ass in the truck Adric. Dress like a Linden.”
“How the hell does a Linden dress?”
“Like you are 14 years old. You have 20 minutes”.
“Say Adric; were you in special classes at age 14?”
“No. Why?”
“Just get in and stop that shit”
“What shit?”
“You know damn well you are humming Detroit Rock City”.
“Oh that”.
We arrived safe and sound at the small checkpoint mentioned by Eggy and I have to say her information seemed pretty solid. There was just the issue of clarification.
“Eggy, when you said “small checkpoint” did you mean a 20m tall creature wearing a T-shirt that says “Gor Girls Gone Wild” screaming we will beg for death following the 20 or so days of horrible things he has planned for us?”
“That would be the one. He sure has a vocabulary and good swing going on that sword doesn’t he?”
“And your plan, Eggy?”
Eggy cleared her throat. “SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU IDIOT!” She screamed in what I was sure were her last words.
The creature stopped.
“Excuse me?” He said.
“Do you know whom you are addressing?” she demanded.
“Umm… Well. You are not scummy residents attempting to gain access to Linden’s secrets?”
“No, you fool. We are two new Lindens sent on assignment here.”
“Oh I am so sorry” the creature said meekly. “Please do not wipe out my inventory”.
“I will do far worse if you do not stand aside and let us enter.”
“Yes, of course. I just need your names for the log.” The creature said picking up a clipboard.
“I am Garfield Linden.” Eggy told him then looked at me.
“I am… I am… Hal Linden”
The creature laughed. “Ha ha. Every new guy does that joke. No really".
“I am… I am…” Shit why did we not plan this out in advance? I had nothing.
“I am Dark Blue Sort of Forest Green Linden.”
The creature wrote this down as Eggy shook her head mouthing “dumbass”.
“Very well Lindens. I just need the pass phrase all new Lindens are taught” the creature said as I started to pee a little bit.
“Oh course. We cannot be too safe” Eggy said as I started to pee more than a little bit.
“Phil had the idea before Snow Crash” Eggy told him.
“Very good” The creature told her. “Since you are new, a quick overview. 127 flavors of coffee and tea on level one along with all the fruits and vegetables you can eat. Level two is the IBM Office of Secrets where Mr. Dale sits when he is in town. Also on two is the Age Play Lobby Office and of course The Communist Infiltration Association. All of level three is the Look the Other Way Department Heads who are in charge of ignoring and secretly encouraging things like Copybot.”
“I see” said Eggy taking notes. “And where would Quadruple X be located?”
The creature looked shocked. “I don’t like to talk about that. There are security protocols there that have taken more a guard down.”
“I don’t ask about your phobias!” Eggy said sternly. “Tell me the exact location before I wipe out your torture items prim by prim!”
“Level 42” the creature cried ruining off.
“Pussy” Eggy said moving toward the elevator.
“Where are you going?” I asked trying to keep up.
“First, free tea. Then level 42”
You would never guess we had broken into a top secret facility given the time Eggy spent enjoying food, but there was nothing I could do but find a bathroom and try to wash the pee out of my boxers.
BANG BANG “Let’s go. You can do that when you get home with your porno!” Eggy yelled banging on the bathroom door.
Level 42 was deserted. It seems the creature and all the other guards were terrified of something and I could understand it when we walked in. It was like nothing I had ever seen.
“What were the security protocols that thing mentioned” I asked cowering in a corner starting to cry like a baby.
“Nothing major. It just tries to tap into your mind and use things it finds against you.” Eggy said.
“You mean like making you look like my worst nightmare?”
“Yep. Let me guess, Clowns?”
"No. I am so over that. After all that counseling I mean. I am seeing my life after you. I am very sad."
"We agreed you would kill yourself after I died Adric."
"Of course I will."
"Don't worry, it's been arranged for you."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Are you seeing your worst fear?"
“Nope. My mind is stronger. I can mask my fears. It is showing me my dreams to try and confuse me..”
“What do you see?”
“Oh, just me playing with my favorite friend in the whole world.”
“You and me?"
“You know it." she said licking her lips.
“PROTOCOL THREE IS ACTIVE” a computerized voice announced. "PREPARE TO LOG ON TO SYSTEM WITH PROPER AUTHORIZATION OR BE DESTROYED. HAVE A VERY HAPPY LINDEN DAY."
This I will not be able to clean out. I will have to dump these boxers in the trash.
“10 SECONDS!” The voice began the countdown.
“System” Eggy began. “This is Chip with hardware support. I need you to grant me root access.”
“HOW DO I KNOW YOU ARE FROM HARDWARE SUPPORT?” The voice demanded.
“Ask me something only hardware support would know.”
“HOW IS THE WEATHER IN INDIA TODAY?”
“Oppressively hot with a stench of human waste and hopelessness in the air.”
“ACCESS GRANTED”
A door opened and we saw into a little room. On the table was a Commodore 64, a 2400bps modem, and a phone.
“What is that?” I asked.
“The heart of Xstreet.”
“Impossible” I said. “How?”
“Very possible. It used to be slower but they upgraded from 1200bps last month. Now start handing me those floppy disks one by one. We need about 40 to get the information”.
“Can I go to the restroom first?”
“Please do. That smell is starting to annoy me. Leave your shorts in the trash can.”
“I will"
{ 12 comments }
That was an adventure! I laughed until I cried, but that could be the side effects of last night's monster migrine… (steriod withdrawls… who could know when the symptoms will hit!!)
Free tea!! All the fruit and veg you can eat!! But the surprise ending …. ahhhhahahhahhah well someone had to tell!!!
I just wish I had taken a second pair of pants with me.
I was talking about the commadore 64!!! LOL!!! You have more than one book in you!! Seriously!!
I know. That was my punchline. And to be honest, it began as an Amiga, but I was worried no one knew what an Amiga was!!!
Then I went to Tandy T1000. Hell, it was honesty all my first machines. I was just trying to find the one that would be the most clear.
Than I recalled my baby. My C64. I had it in my barracks room. I loved it so. I went with that.
I go back to when you needed a DOS disk to boot and then loaded Leisure Suit Larry off disk! My first 20mb drive was so cool on my Tandy (and it cost more a 600gb costs now).
Oh, when do you get to see the new Doctor Who from last week? It was something else. I have no idea when it shows in the US, but I have other ways : )
Tandy from "Radio shack"; Amiga was very usable… it was what I used, my friends Amiga!!! Way back in the early 80's and I have to confess something, I didn't see what was so great or complex about the computer but then it wasn't the same kind of computers I ended up using at work, because those were all code crap… a code for this, a code for that… tabulation and translation of written things into some kind of computable IBM code. Hospitals are like that with their billing. (in the US) Then there were the physics computers that my auntie was using.. I had no idea, but they all looked the same with the green text…typical.. but Amegas were the prototype for the what direction of usablity which would in turn bring about this exponential computer explosion!! They predate the Apple stuff.. the Apple stuff was later on, the programs we use now, such as Photoshop and various adobie products were there, developed for apple at first… so…because of Amega I found the Photoshop programs were familar… the paint programs for Amega made those photoshop menues look awefully familar!!!
Yes, Amiga users used to be quite the asshole which is saying something as Mac users are quite the asshole today.
It’s not enough for them to enjoy their machine, the world has to know how much they enjoy their machine and how much better than yours it is.
Sounds like the ultimate 'pissing' contest to me. But I always thought of computers as female gendered…
It was more of a neutral voice. Could have been a girl, but people do expect that after Star Trek.
I realize I get to see the new Doctor Who when I finish with the back episodes.. and then on to the new one… which I think someone has aquired for me
There is only one more after this for 10.
And by the way, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
On this day in history in 1963 that cranky old man stepped in the Tardis and history with his Granddaughter, Ian, and Barbara.
Xcellent my man! I really think Eggy should be in charge now – maybe with Dale as second in command…
Should be in charge, Cousin Headburro?
I don’t know if you have noticed, but Eggy pretty much runs the show.
Dale I am not sure. Eggy would roll right over him.
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