Adventures in the first & Second Life

"Prepare to die Mister Antfarm."  the thug with the heater on me said.

Well, this is how it ends for me.  I suppose I should begin at the start.  Unless you are cool here? You are?  Well, just read it damnit.  It's just as painful to write this horrible shit as it is to read it.  Why do I have to be one of the few who know they suck?

My name is Antfarm, Adric Antfarm.  I am a private dick.  For a fee, I will solve the mysteries the police will not.  I will get you the answers you need.  I help people.  Like this kind and decent lady who walked in my office.

From the way she handled herself, I could tell she was a classy woman, but was she being straight with me? 

"I want you to find my husband."

"Don't play me for a pasty sister, no man would leave a woman like you.  Do I look that dim?  My sign says Private Investigator, not Sap."

"Actually, it says something else."

"Well, look sister.  The cat downstairs has a weird sense of humor and I can assure you that allegation is not true."

"I don't care."

"Well, let me tell you something about that cat.  You know those Christmas tree icicles?"

"Mister Antfarm, I do not care."

"Well let me tell you about them and this cat.  One year she ate one and was walking around with it hanging out of her ass like another tail."

"I really did not need to hear that."

"Let's discuss my fee.  I get $100 a day, plus expenses.  That is not negotiable."

"I will give you a Subway club card with 11 stamps, a Blockbuster free rental coupon, and a bus pass."

"You have a deal."

So yeah now you are caught up.  What?  Oh hell no, I have no idea where her husband is.  Could be dead for all I know.  I really got kind of busy eating at Subway and watching "Neverending Story" I rented from Blockbuster.

Huh?  Oh… my impending murder.  Right.

"What did I tell you, Adric?"

"Never to tell the Christmas tree icicle story."

"And what did your dumbass do?"

"The dame lies."

"Any last words?"

"Let the boy live.  He is not part of this."  I begged. 

"Of course."  She agreed but I held him down.  What a disloyal little bastard.  I was just offering to look cool.

"Would it help if I begged?"

"No."

"I will do it anyway."

"Please have some dignity."

"Hey, do you need a bus pass?"

"So yeah sister, I could not find your husband, but I will be here for you.   I also need to tell you I made that story up.  I did."

"What about the pictures of the cat with that thing hanging out of her ass?"

"Please let it go.  Please.  Oh, I need some more bus passes"

Does anyone recall this (go down to the 4th story entitled "I Wrote What?")?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Hamlet Au's & New World Notes latest new hire.   A person who attacked the grid and swore to walk it only as a white puff ball.

Way to hire them Hamlet.   Prok next?   Shit, I officially submit my application.  

Update:  Mr. Au censored my comment on the article.  I used no abusive language, I stated a fact, I was not out of line.   Bitch needs to get a clue.  Bloggers like Headburro Antfarm are stepping back from Second Life with issues he ignores (or is blissfully unaware of).

Yet.. I still love you baby.  Come back.  You can blame it all on me.  You had me at hello.  You complete me.  I can't quit you. 

Let me step back from the word censor.  Hamlet owns the site and has the right to delete comments as he sees fit.  I would not do it to him, but then again I have respect for my users (not that he does not).

I was touched to hear the words about our solders, sailors, marines, and airmen overseas from the winner when "Hurt Locker" won an Oscar so diametrically opposed to the idiot words of Michael Moore a few years back.  Look, I am not a war hero (of any sort), but I know the men and woman who fight overseas did not choose the battle, did not make the rules, and are not the bad guys you have been told about.   Having worn the 10th Mountain Division patch, I can tell you about a unit that is without a doubt comprised of world class professional warriors who care about civilians getting in the mix and would never mistreat a prisoner of war.  Never. 

Jumping off the soap box (and going back to that sad 5'8), Mo'Nique was the most gracious winner I've seen in years.  Very deserved award and while I was annoyed Sandra Bullock won anything (she was in Speed for fuck sake and big girl rocked), her words are something we all need to think about.

there's no race, no religion, no class system, no color, nothing, no sexual orientation that makes us better than anyone else. We are all deserving of love.

Still a shit actress, but one who has her head in the right place.

What?  What do I know about Oscars?  A lot.   I could of won one once.  Really.

Hold on, I know what you are thinking.  Yes, I was approached by a big company and sold the rights to the general story, but my (original) version is very different.

It starts with an unlikely friendship between Second Life's best blogger and the worst.  One trying to make the other better, one trying to drag the other into the gutter with cat and shoulder child stories.

One day they are hanging out (all very innocent) in the woods and the bad guy (Randy Quaid) sees them.

Well, Randy Quaid goes back to his blog and spreads rumors (all bullshit).  The good blogger shuns the bad one causing the climax (again, nothing sexual here) when he goes to his house to win his friendship back with his Barbie boom box playing "Baby" by Justin Bieber.

He has no idea however that his old friend has taken on a cadre with the lowest ratio of pious ego to skills in all of Second Life and it goes south rest fast.  Chestysucksnuts, Pillow, and even the now forgotten "I left SL..sike!" one we pretend he did not hire attack the defenseless guy and beat him into a coma.

Roll credits.

Damn, I wish I could of gotten an Oscar, but to have had Hamlet – even for a short time…. that is enough for me.   Forever. 

Goodnight sweet prince.

Footie note…

Thanks go out to the girl to helped me find this great little movie.

And thank you for coming back to hear what we both know is some crazy shit day after crazy day.