"You need to come home now Adric."
"No way cat, this is our mouse day. Well, not our actual mouse day, but another we added this week."
"Your addiction with mice is disturbing."
"Says the cat that murdered a mouse one night."
"It would of killed you otherwise."
"Did you have to make such a mess?"
"Yes."
"We will be home when we feel like it Eggy."
Two hours later we were on the road after an unjust apprehension, false imprisonment, and baseless interrogation over some anonymous call to park security about a pedo with an accomplice on his shoulder. I was sure we were screwed when the boy confessed to everything (he does not do well under pressure) including the OJ Simpson murders. When they caught the real pervert they let us go, but made us leave the park. That sick bastard was screaming his innocence (as was his shoulder child) the entire time, but they had that call which is pretty damn good proof of guilt I bet.
Anyway, this whole mouse addiction thing is silly and I will not even waste my time with it since it looks like I have company! Tammy! I have not heard from her since the letter and here she is living in my yard.
I know why of course. She had come to thank me for saving her from the hate mongers.
You see, last week I got a letter (yellow sticky) and a few pictures from the girl. It looks like she found a ride from the gourmet restaurant we ate at which is great, but the poor girl appears to have been hoodwinked by the ugly hate machine. You see, I happen to know there is no such base in Arkansas. This can only mean one thing. The poor girl has been tricked by a hate group to join their paramilitary end of days nut cult. Not my Tammy. No how. No Way.
Under the cover of darkness, I infiltrated the "base" taking out the guards with my bare hands. I won't get graphic, but I snapped their necks like chickens. Then I tossed some grenades and laid down some fire with my M-4. If there is one thing I have no patience for it is unjustified prejudice. I mean, shit- if the guy at Arby's is unable to get your order right due to his inability to speak American, that is a basis for a little anger, but to put on some white sheet and pretend you are better than other people is just wrong. More so given most of these fucks have a third grade education, hump their sister, and have three teeth.
Needless to say, by the time I was done wearing their asses out with real army training like in that Bill Murray movie, they were begging me for mercy. I know, I am one hell of a man. It's a curse I accept.
"Hello Tammy dear. No need to thank me."
"They discharged me from the army."
"I have some bad news for you dear, you were in something a lot worse. Yes, even worse than Scientology."
"I was in the army. Just not in Arkansas."
"Say what?"
"I was sure AK was the abbreviation for Arkansas so I put that in the letter."
"It's not?"
"No, and I guess it explains the weather. I was in Alaska."
"Oh, well my bad. That does explain a lot, there is a base there, but why the discharge."
"You attacked a bible camp in Arkansas, Adric."
"How the hell did they know it was me?"
"You recall the side of the church?"
"How the hell did they connect you to me?"
"Do you recall the other side?"
We shared a good laugh over the misunderstanding, a few beers, and three more minutes in heaven before I offered her a ride to the bus station. She started to cry. SHIT SHIT SHIT! If she was going to stay, she would work for her keep (and I mean in more than 3 minute shifts). The next morning we took a ride out to a place you can't find on Google Maps (and never will provided Sergey wants to see his nephew again).
"Tammy, this is AAF Brownwater Airfield 14a. We accept flights that do not land at airports with US Customs officials or other assholes all up in someone's business."
"Wow. This is pretty impressive Adric."
"And a no-bid contract"
"Okay, I would love to work here. Do you want me to type or file things?"
"Heavens no woman, I want you to make sure the more important mission is being accomplished. Come up with me in the control tower."
"I bet I got it Adric. The most important mission is security and secrecy."
"Um..no. Listen and learn. Dark Hood 23 Alpha November, this is control. You are cleared for landing on runway Bravo 2. Taxi runway right for fuel, runway left for waffles. Fresh waffles. With complimentary syrup. Control out. Do you see woman?"
"I don't understand."
"Sell the waffles woman! Sell the waffles!"
"Oh."
"Some of the flights cannot go to the serving area because they have prisoners who are a danger to America, so that red vehicle is your delivery means."
"You mean… terrorists!"
"Well, now I guess. Some were not at first, but you keep a bitch in Gitmo for 8 years with no trial and you can bet he hates America now. Best thing to do is just fly him to places where they can slap him around."
"So he is not a danger?"
"I don't know woman, just sell the-"
"CONTROL, DARK HOOD 23! PRISONER IS LOOSE ON THE RUNWAY. HE HAS A WEAPON AND LOCKED US IN THE COCKPIT. REQUEST HELP!"
"Shit, hold on girl. And do not turn the radar on like Eggy. That shit is just mean. Still have no hair on my balls."
"All better now. Dark Hood 23, Control here. You can pick the prisoner up in the field left of runway 15c. His left leg below the knee should be between there and 15b. If not collected, there is a $200 fee for leg removal. Personal are in route to assist you with cockpit door. They have waffle menus with them."
"Thank you so much control. Say, do we have to report this?"
"All depends on how much you like waffles."
"Control, we will take all you have on hand. Bill the Pentagon. Dark Hood 23 out."
"See Tammy, that is all you have to - Tammy? Tammy? Where the hell is that girl. Oh well, only one thing to do now."
