Adventures in the first & Second Life

A friend was telling me about a bachelorette party (it is like a bachelor party but without hookers) and I heard something that made me think.  As I understood this, her son jumped out of a cake naked for her daughter.  

Sure, assume all you want, but I have known parents who call you "he" years into marriage with their daughter.  Staying at their home is not only frigid with their passive aggression, it is simply impossible to have sex with their daughter even if she is all over you.  You just know they will never like you and may go to violence if they hear you on top of their sweet girl that you must have brainwashed to make marry your worthless ass. 

So I asked.  Of course she was referring to her soon to be son as such.  This should have been the end for me, but it was not.  What if a brother wanted to jump out of a cake for his biological sister?  What business is that of mine?  It could be the most innocent thing in the world.  Which is of course why we need to warp the hell out of this before we try and sell the show.  Yes, a show.  I am telling you this is the sort of thing people want to see.  They may not know they want to see it, but they have not seen my take on it yet. 

How do you get a show on the air?

First, you need a twist.  What is that you ask?  It's a twist, idiot.  Why a twist you ask?  Take "The A-Team".  The twist is a cool van and guys with wicked cool personalities.  Remove the twist and you have a show about homeless Vietnam veterans which people ignore on the street and on TV.  No sale.  "House MD" minus a pill popping asshole is "ER" and we all know how much that sucks ass.  Perhaps the best example is of course "Friends" which is simply a 24 minute root canal without the release of getting to imagine a group of annoying idiots all die painfully.

One of the few ways to get a show on without a twist is a franchise.  They will always want a show like another show until you get to something like "Law & Order:  Flaming Bag of Shit on Doorstep Investigations".  Yes, it is the same formula, but it is too watered down.  Sort of like watching a police pursuit on British TV.  They may enjoy watching a tiny panda car with a lawn motor engine chase an ever smaller car for some minor offense only to jump out unarmed and yell for the criminal to stop or they will continue to chase, but it only works as comedy in the US.

Second, you need to make sure your show has appeal.  No, not to people who watch.  To people who sell soap and candy bars.  If they will not buy ads on your show, you will not last.  This does not apply to the BBC who gets their money no matter what allowing them to make programming decisions based solely on what makes them look so very clever like 12 hours of Charles Dickens in prime time.  No American TV executive has even tried or wanted to look clever (perhaps due to inability).

I think we can cross off appeal since I can sell the shit out of soap and am even willing to write products into the show.   And twists?  Let me tell you. 

This brother stripped for his sister not because he is mentally unstable (for the most part), but because he wanted her to stop the wedding.  Let's not go to motivation since yes – yet another twist!  I will dick with people worse than Lost never really making it clear what the hell is up.   Instead, we start as the sister has just vomited all over her gifts (ruining a perfectly good back massager).  Her brother sees this disgust not as a sister having no interest in seeing her morbidly obese brother waving his pork and bean in her face, but as a sign from the gods of the stripping art that he needs to perfect his craft. 

Some twist, huh?  But wait!  I have more twists than Michael J. Fox trying to write his name.  His sister is also a lesbian which is twist times two when you find out she is an airline pilot always traveling.  How will he win her over with all these twists? 

I guess you will have to watch…..

Hey, stop that.  There is no need to clear your browser history.  I swear this will not go to the sheets (at least in season one).  I envision a more journey oriented show.  A bit like how David Banner on "The Incredible Hulk" went to a new town each show. As the brother comes into each town, he tries to get a job at a strip club and this is where we bring in a guest star each week like Wilford Brimley who plays a veteran stripper who passes on his wisdom to the brother on how to become a master of stripping and his sister's heart.

So yeah, I know NBC has a ton of time to fill with that Jay Leno mess, but I am having some trouble getting their attention for some reason.  This is why it is important for you to let them (and any other network – I am not picky) know the reason you watch less television these days is because there is no show on that tells the story of a brother trying to win his sister with stripping. 

I am open to suggestions on casting by the way. 

"Well Eggy, looks like I will be home this evening after all.  My pilot has been arrested after some nice girl he met on-line turned out to be that lying bastard Chris Hansen of Dateline NBC."

"That prick.  Where was your pilot supposed to take you?"

"Deep into grid area that Linden does not fully control to take over a speech for Worthless Linden."

"Why can't he do it?"

"Well, he was practicing his speech in the mirror and-"

"That idiot!"

"I know.  I know.  Only a new Linden would not know to never watch his own speech in the mirror for risk of believing the bullshit non-answers and change of topics.  The poor guy is going to spend at least two months being reprogrammed before he is any good to Linden.  No company needs someone so far from reality speaking for them."

"You can spin a decent tale of shit Adric, but you are no Linden Certified Truth Specialist.  What the hell do they expect you to do?"

"I was supposed to jump in and dazzle them with the paradox of never providing an answer even remotely related to the question."

"How so?"

"Well, ask me a question."

"When will you rid the grid of Copybot?"

"That is an excellent question.  I want to thank you for being the kind of citizen the grid values coming here today and asking that question.  More than thanks, I would like to tell you about rewards like Linden Homes and Avatars United that are around because we want to reward residents like you.  I hope we can have more dialog like this once we get done improving the forums to better serve you.  Next question please."

"Wow.  Not bad, but what do you get out of this?"

"Should a question or comment on Blue Mars come up I am allowed to sell that person to Gor role players."

"I know how much that means to you Adric.  I am going to fly you there."

"You have no idea how to fly and you know it."

"I invited Todd over since you were going to be out."

"You can learn on the way."

"Okay Adric, you can jump out.  You can wear a parachute if you like."

"Are we over the drop zone?"

"The what?"

"The drop zone?"

"Well, I – sure, yes – we are over the drop zone. Just get the hell out so I can go home and pee.  There is no cat box on this plane."

Adric Log, date today.  I appear to have blown off course and am unsure where I am.  Seems to be an area devoted to the love and compassion that is violent rape.  A local approached me and offered to shove what appeared to be a large broom handle or maybe an exotic fruit up my ass.  I thanked him for his kindness but explained I was new to his customs and would have to decline with respect.  He went off to chat with his friends I see and I-  phone is ringing.

"This is Adric Antfarm,  blogger, fill-in Linden, and grid star speaking."

"We have your cat."

"Look Todd, I am not paying ransom for a fake kidnapping again.  Fool me six times, shame on me, but seven, shame on me.  Or you.  Not really sure."

"I am not Todd and your cat is here.  We need to talk."

"I know for a fact my cat was flying a plane."

"Yes, the one that crashed in my yard. During my child's birthday party."

"Holy shit!  Is the cat okay?"

"Yes, and so are the kids, thanks for asking.  She parachuted out and landed away from the crash.  I ran over to pull my dog away since he has been rough with cats and might kill her."

"I take it your dog has not encountered cats who pack heat?"

"I was shocked myself to find him being pistol whipped by a cat singing "Who let the dogs out!".  Took four of us to get her locked in the garage."

"Send her home.  The plane belongs to Linden.  Sue them.  Hell, get in line behind Stroker on that one."

"We do not want to get the courts involved.  We just need to work out the clown situation."

"The clown situation?"

"The plane sort of crashed into him."

"Sort of?"

"Dead as shit."

"You might want to give the authorities a buzz."

"As I said, no need to involve anyone."

"Oh.  I see.   Tell me, was this clown hired from the crowd of undocumented immigrants that hang out looking for cash work downtown."

"I am shocked you would think that, but no – I do not check the IDs of clowns or birth certificates.  Jose said he was born here in town and he seemed very honest.  And affordable as well which is none of your business.  What is your concern are the traumatized children.   I want you to provide a replacement clown and grief counselor when you come for your cat."

"I am going to do as you ask, but not for your crying brats.  Her brother Todd is arriving at home now and while he will not be worried at first; after he starts drinking he will get all sorts of crazy things going in his small mind involving my evil plot to have Asian cat food.  He will track me down and beat the truth out of me even when I beg to tell him where Eggy is.  When he gets your name, he will show up and starting beating you.  When he finds you locked Eggy up he will get really unstable and I cannot promise the safety of anyone on your block."

"How long will you be?"

"As long as it takes to tell the locals I do not want their kind gift but  want them to have mine,"

"Hello kids. My name is Adric the Comfort & Funny Clown!  I am here today for Timmy's special day and to explain what you saw earlier.  Do we have any questions?

Why? Well, life is complicated kids and so is blame.  Could of been the cat who could not pilot a plane, the guy who let her, or more likely the guy who with an offer of employment placed Jose in that dangerous situation.  Hell, when you think about it, is the selfish child who demanded a clown really not the murderer here?

Yes, I did know Jose or J Dog as he liked to be called.   He was a good friend of mine.  We used to go to that lounge on the West side where the cougars hang.  He loved cougars.

Yes Hannah?   Oh, well Cougars are women who have a lot of experience.  Yes, just like teachers.  Hot teachers.

No, he did not leave behind a family.  Most clowns are into kids I bet.  Well no, not all.  Some are gay maybe.  Calm down dad, the truth is the best way for the kids to cope, but okay, we are getting away from the topic here.  The point is no one will miss Jose and he did not leave a large family without a provider.

What?  Oh hell no.  He did not feel a damn thing.  I can see little bits of Jose all over the lawn.  I bet it was like a damn watermelon at a Gallagher show.

Let's a take a quick break while I have a beverage and we will come back in five for balloon animals.  Jesus Christ Timmy, quit sobbing.   Man up."

A clarification to my earlier advice that it was indeed possible to suck your way out of a bind is required.

I neglected to mention in many parts of the world you will need to be a woman.  If you are not a woman, your already low chance of success is further diminished when you attempt this in Batesville, Arkansas to get out of an arrest. 

In addition, should you not succeed the first time with your offer to suck, do not extend a blanket offer to any jail official who will free you.  It just looks desperate and sad by then.